One of my favorite pastimes is asking people seemingly random questions. I say seemingly because to people I ask they are random, to me, I like to collect questions that I think are likely to have interesting answers and then ask people about them.

One of my favorites is, “what is the worst date that you have ever been on?” This is a fantastic question to ask any woman.

This is subsequently a horrible question to ask men. Men only go on good dates.

Another question I enjoy asking people is, “what is your favorite fruit?” This question can reveal a lot about people.

You guys like fruit? [silence, probably]
Anyone like Apples?
Bananas?
Congratulations, you are boring. Not in a bad way though. Apples are fantastic. Especially if you get one of the good variations, I loved Fuji, and Gala as a kid, now we have things like Pink Ladies, Honeycrisps and my personal favorite, Cosmic Crisps. Anyone have a Cosmic Crisp? Well, it’s the best apple in the cosmos so think about that the next time you buy an apple.

The most awful apple, and it’s pretty much agreed upon is the, [motion to audience and point at ear] “Red Delicious”. Exactly, I haven’t ever heard anyone say that Red Delicious is their favorite, which is good because I would destroy them on the spot for that answer. One answer that does come up that immediately makes me think you are a sociopath is “Granny Smith”. People have asked me, well if you hate Granny Smith so much why this bit about the Red Delicious being the worst? Look, the Granny Smith is the worst apple, but it barely seems like an apple at all.

Bananas are great, until someone starts telling you about the correct way to peel a banana. Look, I have eaten hundreds, if not thousands of bananas successfully. I don’t really care whatever you think is the correct way to peel a banana. I am doing just fine on my own thank you.

So that covers what I like to call the elementary fruit. Elementary because that’s what they served in elementary school, not because you are basic for loving them, you are, but not because I call them that. Also the only apple available when I was a kid in school was the Red Delicious variant. Almost everyone I know who hates apples just quit eating them in elementary school. Who can blame them? Well, it’s a great time to try them again. We have the best apple in the cosmos for crying out loud.

Grapes are pretty basic as well, but they didn’t make the apples and bananas song so they aren’t quite as vanilla. They also have some wild variants. There is one called Candy Heart which tastes like some kind of valentine candy. If you hate fruit, this is the fruit for you.

Then we get into the more interesting fruit answers. Peaches are a pretty common favorite fruit, but I dunno, it’s just a nectarine with extra steps that goes bad immediately. Any fruit you have to shave should be met with skepticism. Apricots and peaches either need to be peeled, or thrown in the trash. The nectarine on the other hand is divine. Peaches are like geriatric nectarines. Youthful delicious nectarines are firm and strong, independent but full of vigor, they also look pretty good in a bathing suit. Peaches have way too much hair and if you look at them funny they will bruise. I dunno, man, the nectarine got robbed. The peach gets to be the fruit that is an innuendo, the nectarine is actually sexy. It’s the branding that’s the problem. Peach is a fantastic name for a fruit. Nectarine has too many syllables and just doesn’t feel right. Whoever named the Nectarine messed up, plain and simple.

Oranges, and all its variants, are fantastic. Yes, I know the color was named after the fruit and not the other way around. This is less annoying than the banana peeling lesson but doesn’t everyone already know this by now?

There is one answer I just cannot understand. We have any mango fans out there? Mango, in my opinion, as someone who has, you may have noticed, thought a bit about fruit, is the most variable of fruit. If a mango is ripe it is delicious and juicy. But if you cut into it a little too early, it’s like taking a bite out of a blue spruce. You mango fans, have you really never had the experience of eating a mango that tastes like a christmas tree? If you haven’t, I don’t think you are actually eating many mangos, at least here in the US.

If you answer your favorite fruit is a lemon or lime you are also a sociopath. Though at least with these fruits there isn’t an option that doesn’t suck. You like sour fruit but not enough to pick one that is sour all the time? Saying your favorite apple is a Granny Smith apple is like saying that your favorite day of the week is Monday or that your favorite season is winter.

Any pear lovers? I gotta say it but a pear’s consistency is basically always off. They are almost always mushy, plus they are so benign. What does a good pear even taste like? It’s just so dang bland. Plus it’s one of the sandiest fruits. Bland mush with grit. Count me out.

Cherries are amazing. Aside from a pit that is just waiting to bust your teeth. The cherry tree planned this out perfectly. “In order to spread myself to the world I will make the most delicious fruit ever, I will make it irresistible, also I will put a rock in the middle just to break these guys’ teeth if they aren’t paying attention, you think this is some kind of charity?”